Leaked Memo Leads To Huge Misunderstanding, God Admits

With reports of the impending Rapture running rampant on earthly social media, a slightly sheepish-looking deity held a brief presser this morning. Appearing simultaneously at every Chick-fil-A location (and weirdly, one Church’s Chicken) across the United States, flanked by a chorus of angelic beings, Yahweh himself broke the news to a stunned throng of reporters and chicken-for-breakfast enthusiasts alike.

“Look, I’m not sure how you all got a hold of that memo I sent to Gabriel, but there’s been a mistake. There is no Rapture coming. That was a typo. Raptors. We’re sending in the raptors.”

Restaurants around the nation immediately erupted with wailing and gnashing of teeth (and more than a few thrown Chick-fil-A Chick-n-Minis®), the wood-accented walls echoing with the cries of the soon-to-be-damned. However, as quickly as they arose, the voices of every mortal were silenced by a divine wind as Jehovah continued, now looking noticably frustrated.

“To be honest, I’m not really sure what you all expected. You’ve got a guy who slathers his face in orange body-positivity every morning demonizing a subsect of people who are simply trying to reach the same level of comfort in their own, much less offputting to look at, skin. That same guy is holding press conferences for medical misinformation with a vampire and what appeared to be an old baseball mit standing behind him. You’re letting the planet cook itself and all of you, alive. I mean sure, I slapped it together in under a week as a test run for my new planet Mega Pluto, but still. I already said I wouldn’t flood the place again, so that just leaves the raptors. My hands are tied.”

I AM declined to comment further, but from sources close to the creator we here at Risky.Kitchen have learned that the befeathered beasts of biblical brutality should start appearing within the coming days. All will be judged and those found wanting will be wholly (get it?) eviscerated by slashing claw and biting fang.

When asked for comment, Jesus Christ replied, “Hey man, it’s the fall. School just started. I got a lot on my plate. That whole wrath thing is really my Dad’s bag, I got nothin’ to do with it. Those raptors don’t fuck around though, I’m glad they’ll be out of the house for a few days.”