Classy Food Reviews - Pizza Roll Pizza
Published on Sep 21, 2025
Seriously? This is what I’m doing? The Great American Experiment is slip-slidin’ away into fascism faster than that stupid smug penguin in that stupid smug Mario 64 level I could never beat, and I’m gonna review a pizza that I put Totino’s™ Pizza Rolls on? Who is asking for this?
Wait, don’t answer that.
Also don’t look into it, but I was being hyperbolic before. I can TOTALLY beat that penguin. First try, every time.
Alright, let’s get into it.
But first, an aside. Well, another aside. Actually, maybe that first paragraph counts as a preamble. I don’t know. I’m not a document biologist. This is definitely an aside coming up here, though. Wait, shit, maybe it’s framing.
Long enough ago that it’s embarrassing and pathetic to still be thinking about, but recently enough that I’m going to anyway, I had the pleasure of sharing an afternoon nap with someone I very much care for. As we were laying there, listening to the soft chimes of Risky.Kitchen work emails come in that I was blissfully ignoring, they murmured a simple yet mind-shattering task: “Tell me something about you that I don’t know yet.”
Naturally, I became an empty vessel completely devoid of interesting experiences, personality quirks, or anecdotes to share. For heartbeats that felt like hours, we laid in silence before I mumbled some surface-level curiosity. A minor preference that I hadn’t yet mentioned.
I hammed it up, dear reader. I fleshed it out as best I could. The offering was received politely, but the damage was done. Eventually, mercifully, sleep did claim us both.
A week later, we would stop speaking to each other.
Occasionally, I still wonder what may have been had I been able to dig deep and share something vulnerable and therefore valuable.
Anyway, this pizzas-on-top-of-a-pizza is like that fact I shared: boring, low-hanging, predictable. It is baby’s first Joke Pizza®, but I’ll be goddamned if it isn’t also delicious. Here’s how I made it:
Set aside (hey!) your dignity, you won’t be needing it.
Secure a bag of Totino’s™ Pizza Rolls. Naturally, the classic pepperoni is an easy choice, but really feel free to experiment here at this step. I don’t know if you’ve kept up with Pizza Rolls, but they are rollin’ all kinds of shit these days.
I suppose you could grab a ready-made frozen pizza, but I highly recommend making a fresh one from scratch. And by “from scratch”, I of course mean securing the Holy Quadrinity of premade crust, pre-shredded cheese, canned pizza sauce, and pre-sliced pepperoni. Master. Fucking. Chef.
If you’re a child, microwave the p-rolls. If you are an adult who lived through the pandemic, use the air-fryer that I know you have. Just a few minutes should do ya. Just get ‘em thawed. Thaw them thangs. Thaw ‘em out. THAW. What a weird word.
Assemble your pizza following standard pizza-making procedures but then toss them dang rollies on top. Feel free to let a “BAM!” out if desired. Optional “BAM!“.
Throw that pile of future regret into the oven at uhhhh, lets say uh, 425 for uhhhhhh…12? 12 minutes? I’ll admit, reader, I have no idea how long or hot I cooked this thing at. I think it hardly matters. Cook it until it is pizza. Stop cooking it once it has reached pizza. Do not go past pizza because only charred sadness lies beyond. And believe you me, this thing gonna have plenty of sadness all on its own even if you cooked it right.
So yeah, that is really all there is too it. Six simple steps.
Do you wanna know the real fucked up thing? Best pizza I’ve had all year. I don’t know what it is. The crispiness of the T™PRs pairs perfectly with the gooeyness of the external cheese. Biting into a pizza whilst simultaneously also biting into a much smaller pizza leaves one with a feeling of omnipotence. A dangerous sense of power.
I don’t know what a god eats, but I know what mortals can eat to feel like a god.
…it’s uh, it’s Pizza Roll Pizza. In case that wasn’t obvious.
Rating: 8/10
