Part-time TV Star and Full-time Fucking Vampire Mehmet Oz Given The Poor And Elderly As Thralls

This past Thursday, the Senate successfully completed their dark ritual thereby gifting 230-year-old ghoul, Dr. Mehmet Oz, the eternal souls of the nation’s poor and elderly. The multi-centenarian stands to lord over the health insurance programs of about half of the country’s population and has vowed that all are welcome to serve him in his ceaseless macabre festival of pleasure, horror, and questionable medical advice.

Appearing from a mysterious cloud of bats that flooded into the Senate chambers as soon as the last of the dark rites were uttered, Oz reportedly cackled loudly before proclaiming, “We have to make some important decisions to improve the… quality of care,” while rubbing his bony, paper-white hands together and grinning mischievously, “important decisions indeed”.

Oz then drank deeply from the precious vitae of a willing supplicant, to raucous applause from roughly half of the damned choir present for the ceremony. All of this before disappearing again in the same mysterious cloud of bats (that had waited patiently in the press gallery above) to his cartoonish castle on a mountainside that is eternally shrouded in darkness and pelting rain.

When asked, medical and political experts alike heralded the appointment stating, “Yeah, that sounds about right. What’s next? Cobra Commander in charge of Veteran Affairs?“.

Sources close to the President claim that his second choice for the position was The Brat Prince, Lestat de Lioncourt, who could not be reached for comment.