The R.K Guide To Secret Menus

Secret menus are all the rage right now. Or, at least I think they are. In this crazy information age it is hard to keep straight which trends are “TOTALLY RIGHT NOW ZOOMER SHIT” and which ones are “SUPER FUCKING LAME GO DIE ALREADY, BOOMER” garbage. (Fairly confident the whole boomer/zoomer thing is already not cool anymore, which you know, fucking good.)

Either way, we here at Risky.Kitchen know a sweet sweet cashcow consumer trend when we see one, so we sent the R.K R&D eggheads on a quest to find the best secret menu items just for you, dear reader.

Most of them did not come back at all. Fewer still came back sane. One of them just sits in a corner now and rambles about the McGangbang like he is the only one who has heard of it. Everyone has heard of the McGangbang by now, Craig. Nobody cares. You were driven insane by the most mainstream of secret menu items. You are weak, Craig. Weak.

He is really bringing the whole vibe of the office down.

Anyway, we sifted through the scribbled notes and feverish writings of the handful of Risky.Kitchen researchers who made it back to the offices and compiled this list.

The 6-Way

This one is actually so obvious I’m surprised I hadn’t heard of it before. Simply go to your nearest purveyor of Cincinnati-style chili (your Skylines or your Goldstars or I guess a damn supermarket for the 99% of Americans that live outside of the KY, IN, OH tristate area) and order a 5-way and a couple of coneys. Shuck the hotdogs from their delicious chili-infused bun husks (feel free to enjoy those on their own) and cut them into coins. Sprinkle liberally across the 5-way. Just like that, a 6-way is born. Some people will look down their nose at hotdog spaghetti, but those people are probably already dead inside so who cares what they think.

Cheesy Chicken Chariot Of Fire

You may have to get lucky with some seasonal offerings on this one, but trust me it is worth the wait. Pop on down to your nearest White Castle and order up the following: mozzarella sticks, chicken rings, fries, and a couple of jalapeño sliders. Affix a chicken ring to each end of two mozzarella sticks. Connect the two with a sturdy bed of french fries to complete the frame your jalapeño slider riders will sit upon. Then, proceed to drive the whole damn thing into your mouth.

I do not know the exact way to Flavortown, but I do know the vehicle that will take you there: The Cheesy Chicken Chariot of Fire. The next stop of course is Diarrheaville. But hey, if you are reading this then you were probably headed there anyway.

Meat Mountain

This last one is exclusive to Arby’s. I am warning you now, it is not for the faint of heart. Or the light of coin. You are basically going to pay close to $20 for this sandwich. Here is your shopping list: two crispy chicken sandwiches, a ham melt, a bacon cheddar melt, a grand turkey club, a corned beef reuben, and a smokehouse brisket. That is right. Six kinds of meat. You may be asking yourself, “Who needs that much variety in one sandwich?“. I don’t mean to insult you, but that is a dumb question. Why eat one meat when you can eat all meats? This is not a new concept. Pizza makers have known it for years.

The assembly of this beast may take some time, so I recommend you eat something beforehand. Nobody wants to play food god on an empty stomach. Once you’re properly nourished, start by…

Wait. I’m being told by Craig that this is actually already a real thing.

Well fuck, ok I guess we’re done here. Just go eat a Meat Mountain. Wow.