Supreme Court Gives Thumbs Up to AEA Use, Provided Administration 'Kangaroos It Up A Bit First'

The Highest Court in the Land (not to be confused with The Highest Court in the Land) ruled on Monday that the President can totally use the Alien Enemies Act of 1798 to deport…whoever the hell he wants I guess…provided the alien enemies get their day in a Texas court first.

For the uninitiated or the just plain tired at this point, the Alien Enemies Act of 1798 was originally written by the Federalists (a bunch of pro-big government has-beens) to keep the fucking French on their side of the goddamn lake. It gives the President of the United States (not to be confused with the Presidents of the United States of America) wartime powers to more or less point at an individual and yell, “Hey, you, get the hell outta here!” and then they gotta get the hell outta there (“there” of course, being “here”).

Pretty useful tool. During war. Or, as the law says, during an “invasion or predatory incursion”. Which apparently is happening. Right now. Who knew?

It wasn’t all jackboots and brownshirts though, as the Court did add that the Commander-in-Chief had to give the little green men (sorry) in question a chance to defend themselves where they are being detained, the notoriously level-headed state of Texas. An important caveat that the ACLU called, “Honestly better than we thought we’d get,” adding after an audible gulp, “but it HAS to be Texas? Really? Shit. Okay.”

As for the man that the executive branch already admitted to deporting in error and now claims is incapable of retrieving, the Supreme Court (not to be confused with a Crunchy Taco Supreme®) shrugged its collective shoulders, saying, “Yikes. c’mon man its Monday. The week just started. We will get to that, you know, later. Promise.”