Dire Wolves and Other Returned Animals You'll Be Able To Eat Soon

We’re a few days late on this one, which means literally nobody gives a shit anymore, but the corpo-eggheads are out here resurrecting dire wolves. Or, they painted a bunch of regular wolves gray, but like, not with paint. With genes. The ol’ gene-painting. Only takes one coat. Get it? Coat? Wolves? Paint? Fur? Holy shit we’re hilarious.

Whether you consider the abomination these hubristic bio-alchemists created to be a real dire wolf or not, everyone can agree on one thing: naming one of them Khaleesi was stupid.

However, this is primarily a food blog (I mean, in name only at this point but you know, whatever), so we here at Risky.Kitchen cannot ignore the culinary implications of this whole ‘de-extinction’ thing that definitely won’t lead to anything bad ever. So here is a list of once-and-future animals we’re excited to eat to death all over again.

Dodos

Gotta be the most anticipated one of the bunch, right? These goofy little bastards were so delicious the Dutch already ate them to death once. That’s all the endorsement we need.

Think of all the flavor profiles that have been invented since the 16th century. Flamin’ Hot Dodo wings. Popcorn Dodo chunks. Pumpkin spice Dodo lattes. Ok maybe not that last one. Still, those Colossal Bioscience guys and gals will have to defy God at a record pace to keep up with the inevitable demand once these birds make their triumphant, shrieking return to this mortal coil. Be prepared to show up days in advance to your local Trader Joe’s like you’re waiting in line for the latest GPU because these little bastards are going to go quick.

Woolly Mammoths

You think you’re hot shit because you split a cow with three of your neighbors and now you have a freezer full of beef? Well just you fucking wait.

That’s a lot of mammoth meatloaf, let me tell ya. You’re going to need to start an office pool like you’re group buying lottery tickets. But instead of purchasing collective delusion, you and 50 of your best friends will be awash in mounds of miracle mammoth meat. A chest freezer in your garage isn’t going to cut it. You’re going to need to rent storage space in Oymyakon.

As if endless steaks wasn’t enough, apparently their bones make pretty good houses, so you can tell your mortgage company to suck it from your brand new retro-chic bone palace.

Sea Cow (Steller’s Version)

Another example of Europeans getting all the good eatin’ in before America even had time to be a country, let alone participate in the feast.

Are they basically just a variation of the currently plentiful-if-propeller-prone sea cow? Yes. But Mountain Dew Baja Blast is just Mountain Dew with floor cleaner in it and people love that shit. This is probably the one that will require the most ingenuity to utilize properly, but if humanity can be counted on for anything, it is finding insane ways to eat stuff.

Off the top of my head I’m thinkin’ Sea Cow-amari, but that is mostly because it is fun to say. Does it make a whole lot of sense? No. Do we here at Risky.Kitchen worry about making sense? Also no.

That is it for now. Go forth, and eat that which once was and should no longer be but has become once again thanks to science and its infinite hubris.

Or it’s just a fake dire wolf, I guess. Either way.