Expiration Dates Are Basically Bullshit

Published on Dec 2, 2019

#editorials#lists#old rk

Go ahead and check “world hunger” off the big scary “List of Reasons Why Humanity Is Probably Gonna Fuck This All Up And Murder Itself”. As it turns out, those ingenious bastards at Fast Food R&D figured it all out, like decades ago. Yet, instead of lavishing praise upon these titans of scientific invention, society is always all:

“Why is my hashbrown perfectly preserved 25 years later like King PoTatonkhamun, teenage ruler of the ancient Potatoman Empire.”

“Shouldn’t this hamburger at least show signs of distress after being left in my attic for the entirety of my college career? I switched majors three times. Wait, why was I eating burgers in the attic anyway? Oh boy, I smoked a lot of weed in high school.”

“That shit isn’t food. It is impervious to the great equalizer itself: Time. I should praise this chicken finger as a god instead of shoving it into my ceaseless, ever-hungering maw. I am ready to accept the ageless mystery of the delicious Quadrinity. Sauced, Unsauced, Crispy, and Grilled. Forever tender be thy name.”

Actually, I would probably be ok with that last one.

Meanwhile, those hucksters at Big Grocery actively suppress this marvelous breakthough by continuing to print “Best By” dates on everything. I, for one, am tired of being Tim Cook’d by these bean-counting bean salesmen. Here is a list of foodstuffs that are too toughs to be brought down by stupid numbers and stupid slashes printed on stupid cardboard and/or stupid plastic.

  • Toaster pastries
  • Granola bars
  • Ranch dressing
  • Baby carrots
  • Canned soup
  • Wheat bread
  • ALL candy
  • Pizza
  • Peanut butter
  • Popcorn
  • Bags of salad
  • Miracle Whip
  • White rice
  • Salsa that is labeled ‘Medium’ or hotter
  • Pre-sliced cheese
  • Yogurt
  • Dried/canned meats (ok this one is probably obvious)
  • Most pet foods
  • Hard liquor
  • Fertilized chicken eggs

If you wait too long on that last one, it just becomes more delicious. Truly, it is a glorious time to be alive, hungry, and just a bit too lazy to go to the store and buy new food.

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