Terrible Alcohols and What To Pair Them With

Howdy, folks! Beyd Sechepol here of Beyd’s Waterdeep Wetworks and traveling booze cart. Your one stop shop for gettin’ sloppy drunk in the City of Splendors. Or, on the road to it! Now that I’ve got my plug out of the way, let me tell you about a few choice spirits ol’ Beyd can’t seem to get rid of.

Straight talkin’, some folk will tell ya that’s because these particular imbibables are only fit to strip paint off a wagon. Well fuck that, says I. Beyd knows these liquors are top quality. Beyd just don’t think anyone’s been drinkin’ em proper-like. So your old pal Beyd’s gonna give you the whats what on these hidden gems of the bar shelf.

Jägermeister

How’d this one even get on Beyd’s list? There’s nothing wrong with this mahogany goddess. Beyd drinks this in the morning for a sweet pick-me-up after a long night of what the wife calls ‘night terrors’ but what I call ‘nap whisperin’. Either way, after an evening of screaming myself hoarse, nothing soothes old Beyd’s throat like a refreshing glass of the stag juice. Here are a few ways I enjoy it:

Chilled on the rocks with a fistful of sun dried fruits and salted nuts. The classic mix of sweet and salty is a hard one to beat.
Slightly warmed by shaking, clammy hands. Beyd don’t regret a lick of what he done on those lonely roads, but these hands don’t seem to get that. Dip a nice buttery garlic bread in there to really sop up the flavor. The oily mix of sweet spices really puts a spring in your step.

Popov

Look, Beyd knows sometimes you just gotta get drunk. Beyd also knows that sometimes you think you mightn’t got the coin to get the job done proper. Well that’s where your wrong, friends! Popov is as cheap as it is plentiful, which makes it a godsend for every down-on-their-luck drinker. The only drawback Beyd can see is that it comes in a plastic bottle. That’ll make it hard to smash over someone’s head when you inevitably encounter someone who needs a good ol-fashioned headsmashin’. But give it a try anyway.

You’ve got two arms, so use ‘em! Popov in one hand. Orange juice in the other. Alternate swigs to taste. I go two Popov for every one orange juice, but you find a ratio that works for you.
Mix with some lemon juice, extra virgin olive oil, and mint. Then drizzle like a vinaigrette over a field of fresh greens. I call it Beyd’s Spicy Salad. I find two full salads gives Beyd a nice buzz.

Jeppson’s Malört

Ok, even Beyd’ll admit he’s had a little trouble with this one. It’s like an ornery horse that just won’t take a saddle. I’ve tried every which way with this majestic beast and I’ve discovered that your best friend here is persistence. Persistence and a tiny a bit of self-loathing. I’d say you’ll be rewarded for your efforts, but that’d be a lie. The real story here is Beyd bought way too many bottles of this liquid garbage, and he needs to offload it without ruining his reputation.

Mix in a one to one ratio with grapefruit juice. It doesn’t help the flavor or drinkability at all, but if you’re going to punish yourself you may as well go all out. And deep in his heart, ol’ Beyd knows he deserves some punishin’.
Warm and straight. I know, I know that ain’t exactly a ‘pairing’. But fuck, you try a cup of this stuff and tell me if there is any way to save it. Helps if you’re in a regretful mood. Which you will be as soon as this amber monstrosity touches your lips. Try to savor the first half second, because as far as Beyd can tell, that is the best part of drinking this stuff. As soon as this liquid fire is on the back of the tongue, it’s a one way ticket to yuck town.
This last one is only theorizin’, cause I haven’t rightly tried it myself yet. I have a feeling this stuff would go great with a big old bowl of rainbow sherbet. Maybe poured overtop, like a delicious glaze. The citrusy notes in the Malört pair nicely with the sweet fruity flavors of the sherbet. On paper anyway. Old Beyd’ll report back once he’s gathered up the courage to try this one for real.

And thats all I’ve got for you today! Come on down Beyd’s Waterdeep Wetworks (conveniently located in the abandoned water treatment plant in the Trades Ward) or find me on the road and give one of these misunderstood beverages a go.