Shut the Fuck Up And Just Drink Tap Water Already

Allow me to start this off by making my position clear: tap water is a delicious honeywine from the gods of local government and anyone who says otherwise can go drown themselves in the ocean. I don’t think that is an unreasonable stance, but apparently I’m in the minority here. Well, wait. Please don’t actually try and drown yourself in the ocean. It can’t be done. That cesspool we call the sea is like 95% turtle-seeking plastic straws now. You’ll just get impaled and wind up on Youtube being saved by some preachy ocean doctor. No insurance company in the world is going to cover that and boats aren’t cheap. Sea quack needs to get paid and sea quack is gonna get paid. By you. Exclusively you.

Where was I? Right, filtered water.

Filtered water (or as I call it, Corporate Sellout Sadness Juice) is the overprocessed, sanitized pop music of water. It has no life. No zip. No succulent tang of chloride. It’s the grilled cheese you order off of the kids menu at every. single. restaurant. because you’re afraid of the taste of real food. C’mon, just try a damn quesadilla at least. They are the same thing and are a known gateway food to burritos and those scrumptious bastards can be anything you want them to be.

Damnit, focus.

Getting back on track, filtered water doesn’t even care about you. It brings the absolute bare minimum to the table in terms of liquids: necessary, life-sustaining hydration. Big fucking whoop.

Not like our hero, tap water. Tap water gives a shit. Tap water isn’t satisfied with just doing what’s required for you to merely survive. Tap water wants you to be the best person you can be. The person tap water knows you can be. Need a boost to the immune system? A little bit of extra dental hygiene? How about the power to go to fucking space? The ol’ municipal martini has you covered.

Meanwhile, filtered water can’t do any of those things. Nor would it want to. Why? Because it’s a gaslighting asshole who tells you that the basics are all you need in life. Well, bump that. Bump that all the way to last week. Bump that all the way to whenever ’bump that’ was a popular thing to say. You need other stuff, too. You know, the cool shit. Like lead. And rocket fuel. Hell, you should be demanding rocket fuel in your water. Tap water knows this and it’s humbly offering you it’s services. For the low low price of basically free. All you have to do is accept it into your heart. And mouth, I guess.

Probably just the mouth.

Heart optional, mouth mandatory. Yeah, let’s go with that.

Fuck it, I don’t care anymore. I’m getting a burrito.