Grocery Stores Ranked Based On How Much Anxiety They Give Us

Here at Risky.Kitchen, we pride ourselves on our neuroticism and general paranoia. We are the Mikaela Shiffrin of overthinking. Which means we have to psyche ourselves up with a purpose-built Spotify playlist titled “Grocery Gams” (Soft G. Unless it’s leg day then that G is hard as fuck, ya dig?) for no less than 15 minutes before we can slink our way into a food emporium/people zoo.

And trust us, we’ve been doin’ a lot of loitering in parking lots and slinkin’ into big box shops as we hunt for our latest white whale to review for you, dear reader.

Sure, we know intellectually that nobody inside any of these establishments gives a shit about anybody but themselves. We know this. Most likely, they’re all doing the same things we’re doing the entire time we’re inside one these edible hellscapes: screaming internally and praying to god none of the employees go “I can help you on lane 7!” while they’re just quietly waiting in line for one of the self-serve machines to open up.

We’ll be goddamned if we’re going to cap this terrifying trip off with human interaction. We are prepared to wait years to self-checkout our purchase of three packs of sour gummy bears and generic brand tortilla chips. (No salsa. We’re pretty sure we still have some salsa at home. If we don’t, we sure as shit aren’t coming back. It is dry chip o’clock at the R.K compound if we’re out of salsa. At the very least, there are probably some leftover Taco Bell sauce packets in the fridge. Sad? Yes. Very. But better than going to a grocery store twice in one day.)

Then again, the President of these United States is afraid of numbers, so maybe everyone really is judging us whenever we step foot inside of a grocery store.

Anything is possible.

5. Walmart

Quite simply, People of Walmart exists for a reason. And we love that reason. The bar is low at Wallyworld and that is how we prefer our bars. If we’re wearing at least three articles of clothing, we’re upstanding citizens at a Walmart. It is easier to tune out our incessant flight response if we’re feelin’ like Colman Domingo amongst a sea of Gustav Magnar Witzøeses.

Plus, no matter how bad your day is, odds are someone inside that very same Walmart is having a day/week/month/life so terrible your precious millennial mind can’t even begin to fathom the depths of their dispair. And there is a lot of comfort in that.

4. Kroger/Fred Meyer/King Soopers/Whatever Else They Call Themselves

Kroger has a lot of names it does business under and that does unsettle us. Then again, we have many names in various internet circles. Hell, sometimes we even refer to ourselves in the plural. Almost at random. We guess what we’re saying is, we can identify with wanting to be someone else all the time too, Kroger.

3. Meijer

Meijer is a weird place. The vibe is always off. The people always look like they’re trapped and unable to find an exit. Can they find the exit? The only people we’ve ever seen come and go from a Meijer are ourselves. The cars change in the parking lot, but every time we go in, the same faces greet us. A quiet horror behind their eyes.

2. Target

Target thinks it’s better than us with its well-lit stores and its Dollar Spots right at the front as if to say, “Yeah, we know this all you can really afford. Collect your trinkets and get the fuck out.”.

They’re right, of course, but they don’t know that they’re right. How can they? Target doesn’t see our paystubs. Target doesn’t know we spent $50 this month on pointless advertising.

1. Trader Joe’s

These bastards know exactly what they’re doing. Trader Joe’s has all of the best stuff. Have you ever had their frozen deep-fried raviolis? Amazing. They’ve got their own version of Starbursts that will absolutely ruin regular Starbursts for you.

But to get any of this amazing food, you’ve got to actually hold a conversation with a cashier. They ask you about your day. They ask you about your purchases. It is diabolical. It should be illegal. Ban talking inside grocery stores, that’s what we say.

Special Mention: Aldi

Uhh…we’ve never been to an Aldi. We don’t speak german and we’re afraid that is all they speak in there. So we stay the fuck away from Aldi.