Tom Brady Out Here Cloning Dogs

They’re starving 42 million people during the turkey month and somehow we haven’t France’d anybody yet. But, like your parents at the upcoming holiday dinner table, I don’t want to get into all that.

Even though it is arguably a more appropriate subject for what is supposed to be a food blog.

Nope, instead I wanna talk about how the dire wolf people are out here cloning celebrity dogs. That’s right, Tom Brady revealed yesterday that his new dog is just his old dog in a new dog body. Same dog soul? Well there’s some dog nuance to that.

The Catholic church says dogs do have a sort of half-soul, but Goldcrest Films says they got a full one and so I don’t know what the implications of that would be for these celebrity canine simulacrums that seemingly defy the will of God and Bob Barker alike.

Although then again so far it seems to have been a direct one-in one-out situation, so maybe ol’ Robby B would be cool with it. It is hard to say for sure. I’ve been watching a lot of old Price Is Right lately because Google TV Freeplay is a goddamn time vampire and all I can really say for sure about the man is that he had been openly hating contestants since at least the mid 80s.

Anyway, people deal with loss and guilt in all kinds of crazy ways so who am I to judge a not-billionaire for turning to science instead of uh, like a no-kill shelter or something? If anything, I don’t think he went far enough. Apple TV is reintroducing Asimov’s Foundation series to the public zeitgeist (fancy word!) and I think there is a lot to learn there for the affluent pet cloner. Why stop at just one? Why not create a genetic dynasty of pets? An old dog to teach the prime dog to teach the puppy dog? The sun never sets on Spot the labradoodle (more like LABradoodle, am I right?).

Of course, that definitely WOULD piss off Bob Barker, but nobody has cloned him yet so I think we’d be safe. I guess that would only leave one question though: when Spot the Original smells the butt of Spot the Second, would they just smell themselves? Would it trigger some kind of existential dog crisis? Would it cause some kind of dog singularity that cascades into the ruination of all things four-legged and otherwise?

Something tells me we live in crazy enough times that we will find out sooner rather than later.