Classy Food Reviews - Italian Four Cheese Cheez-It Pizza

Cheez-It must have the same agent as Flamin’ Hot because their ass is startin’ to be everywhere. So I guess a Cheez-It Pizza shouldn’t really be much of a surprise. It’s a logical next step. Pizza is essentially a blank canvas on which to paint whatever monstrosity you can think of that day.

And so, for you dear reader, as soon as I heard the news that Cheez-It had in fact made a pizza, my quest began.

Briefly, do you know how demeaning it is to wander up and down a plethora of frozen pizza aisles alone? Everybody else in that aisle judges the absolute shit out of you. They know exactly what you’re there to do. You don’t have a cart. (Or worse yet, you have a damningly empty cart.) You don’t have a ring on your finger. You don’t have one to three children to corral as you slowly examine each box, just intently enough for it be unsettling to everyone else.

“What is he looking for?” they wonder, “Just pick a pizza already, guy.”

This pizza is not for a future date, even in the flickering light of this tragic Meijer, they can see that. You are there because you are hungry and you are old enough to have access to a car but not adult enough to plan ahead and actually have food on hand on a given Tuesday night.

You are a walking 30-something cliche.

Or you know, they probably aren’t thinking any of those things. But reality is what you make it and I generally make mine weird and bad.

Not unlike this “Italian” Four Cheese Cheez-It Pizza.

You thought I forgot, didn’t you? You thought I was just going to ramble but all of that was just setup for that sweet segue. Just give me the Pulitzer now.

The box proudly claims that the pizza is ready in only 8 minutes. And that is because they want you to cook it at 450 goddamn degrees. Which is as hot as the surface of the sun. At least, it is when you lack any proper oven-appropriate PPE and are forced to barehand that cheez-ity bastard back out of the hotbox and onto a plate. I went with the upper end of the suggested range and cooked it the full 10 minutes because I’m a crispy boy and I like a crispy pizza pie.

What can I say about this thing? Does the crust taste like a cheez-it? I mean, kind of, maybe? It’s orange. Cheez-its are orange. Generally. So, check that box. But does the similarity end there? It’s hard to say.

I mean this is a four cheese pizza with a purported fifth cheez flavor lurking below. That is a lot of cheesy nuance. A lot of gooey subtly. I am not some cheese sommelier. I am not adequately trained nor prepared to suss out the intricacies of five different cheese flavor profiles. I’m just not.

At one point, I pushed all of the cheese off of a section of the cheez-it crust, just to see if I could taste the cheez without all of the cheese getting in the way. And once the reality of that action set in and I had realized what I’d just done, I had to set the plate down and contemplate my life choices.

I did pick it back up again, though. I did eat the whole thing. All 1280 calories of it. So I guess that means something.

Damned if I know what.

Rating: 6/10