Failed Fast Food Board Game Contests

Since the birth of McDonald’s Monopoly in 1987, fast food corporations have struggled mightily to find their own hit board game themed sales promotion that apparently nobody ever wins. As it turns out, this is much easier said than done.

Subway’s Suprise Scrabble Scramble

This promotions ran into problems when regional testing revealed that asking customers to “turn around and definitely don’t peek” while employees hid Scrabble tiles in their sandwiches was asking for entirely too much trust to be placed in people calling themselves “Sandwich Artists”.

Wendy’s Don’t Wake Daddy Dave

Universially panned by customers for giving off “weird and creepy” vibes. It didn’t help that when a customer finally collected enough pieces to reach the refrigerator, they found that it was just full of Colt 45 and fresh-never-frozen beef patties.

KFC’s Country Fried Operation

Unfortunately, implying that most major maladies could be treated with 50ccs of “down-home rib-stickin’ country gravy” had the unintended consequence of leading many customers to believe that main-lining beef stock and cornstarch was a miracle cure-all that big pharma didn’t want the public to know about.

Dairy Queens’ Risk: Rise Of The Dairy Empire

The company was forced to abandon the promotion after whistleblowers revealed that Dairy Queen was attempting to crowdsource wargaming data for a very real lactose-based global monarchy.

Cinnabon’s Connect 4 Daily Giveaway

While requiring customers to consume a minimum of four Cinnabon Classic Roll cinnamon rolls daily to collect the necessary pieces for a modest $400 prize was a homerun from a marketing perspective, the company was forced to scrap the initiatve after CDC analysts realized that over half of the US population would contract diabetes within the first month of the promotion if it were allowed to move forward.

Burger King’s Clue: A Flame-Grilled Murder Mystery

The fast food giant had to abandon the sweepstakes after receiving over five thousand submissions claiming The Burger King mascot was the culprit, despite not actually being a suspect in the framing of the game.

Panda Express’ Mahjong Madness

Failed because nobody in the western world understands how the fuck to play Mahjong. Also because Panda Express is hot garbage even by chinese food standards.

Papa John’s Guess Who? (I Want To Bone)

The plug was pulled on this one fairly quickly when it became apparent that all of the hints were just describing marketing interns that Papa John wanted to bang.

Tim Horton’s Sorry!

Cost the company tens of thousands of dollars in runaway prize money when they realized they had been too polite to print any ‘Sorry! Back To Start’ pieces.

Taco Bell’s Live Mas Life

Killed in development after coming to the conclusion that a life revolving around consuming four meals a day while taste-testing the latest and greatest variants of Mountain Dew Baja Blast was too depressing, even by Taco Bell customers’ standards.