Pontiff Pick'em - A Guide To The College of Cardinals

The Pope ain’t popin’ no more so that means it’s time to get to picking a new one. Which in turn means a bunch of secretive Catholic politics, burning stuff, and a name change that probably means the new Pope won’t be able to vote in US elections.

Usually, the whole process is a closed off guessing game of what-if for every media outlet on the planet. But not for Risky.Kitchen. No sir and/or ma’am. We’ve paid good, solid, American greenbacks to get the inside scoop from a trusted source. A lot of ‘em.

And the more you pay for something, the better it is. That is a fact.

Without further ado, we present our source’s top picks to you now, free gratis.

Beaker Birdson

According to our source, Beaker was already on the short-list for Popehood after ol’ Benny 16 called it quits. Which means this old bird has got some juice behind him.

Not only that, he was the homilist at the World Meeting of Families 2018, so the guy can chirp with the best of ‘em, too.

Sure he’s got a few outdated views, but you’ll be hard-pressed to find someone in the college who doesn’t. Which, is not really a super great justification, but you know you play the hand you’re dealt.

And believe me, this hand is all red.

Get it? Cause they’re cardinals. Eh, moving on.

Wormnando Flaponi

Wormnando’s got ties to JP2 and that ain’t nothin to sneeze at.

Also, he’s 79 years old so maybe just don’t sneeze at him in general. Electing a pope is a real pain in the ass. If you’re going to go through the hassle of doing it, you kinda want whoever you pick to last longer than a season of a modern day TV show.

Plus, he’s Italian, and I don’t know if you know this, but the Italians hold a commanding lead when it comes to running the Holy See.

Our source says the biggest knock against Wormnando is the McCarchick Scandal from 2018. Which looks bad when you first read about it. And that is because it is. It is bad.

There’s no beatin’ around that bush. Yikes.

Wington Daniel Eggory

Our source admits that the odds are a bit stacked against our buddy Wington.

Firstly, he’s a newcomer, having only been cardinal’d up in 2020. Secondly, he’s American. So that’s not great. Thirdly, he seems to not really have a problem with folks who like to love folks that are the same kinda folks that they are. And folks, let me tell you, a lot these cardinal folks don’t like those folks because they’re (the folks who don’t like the folks that do like the folks) the kind of folks who like to get all up in the business of folks.

Ya know?

Then again, crazier things have happened, I guess.

Editor’s Note: I am being told that our source may have taken all of our money and fed us bad info about birds instead of good info about old men who wear silly hats. So that fuckin’ sucks.