Risky Reviews - Wink Egg Minder

2020 is here and my New Year’s resolution is simple: stop wasting time minding eggs.

It was a 24 hour job! No matter where I was or what I was doing, the same thoughts would play over and over and over again in my head: How are my eggs? Are they ok? Are they safe? Do I have more than 2 of them? What is their exact level of freshness? Eggs are notoriously unruly (no matter what Big Egg would have you believe), and I had to be sure I was on top of them. Minding them. Always minding them.

Every evening I would stand alone in front of the fridge anxiously running each egg through a self-devised 24 point inspection list (the last step of which was always a kiss for good luck) while wearing a custom-made egg apron I bought from a chicken farmer I met on the internet. Every morning I would consult my homemade egg tracking chart and carefully select the egg that was most likely to not make it through the rest of the day for my breakfast.

I would make up transparent and ill-conceived excuses to leave social functions early all so that I could keep an eye on my precious chicken zygotes.

“Oh sorry, I can’t attend the happy hour after work today, I have to run home and bathe my cat.”

“I would love to stay to watch my nephew open his presents, but I’ve been here a half-hour and so far all he has done is shit himself plus I’m pretty sure I have an Amazon package coming today and my apartment complex is a literal den of thieves so I should really head out.”

“No, I can’t be a pallbearer at grandma’s funeral. I’m not going to the graveyard, I’m leaving right after the service. She is already dead and rotting, why should my eggs be forced to share her fate?!”

See? I didn’t even try with that last one. It was madness.

Enter the Egg Minder by Wink. And G&E. And Quirky. And some guy named Rafeal Hwang. This thing has a longer credits list than most Netflix Originals and it shows. The Egg Minder does one thing and one thing only: Minds. The. Fucking. Eggs. You can tell it’s high tech, because you have to use the same technology they use to wipe people’s minds in the Men In Black movies to tell it what your wifi password is. Mine only took about 15 tries (one of which was definitely user error because I had my phone pointed the wrong way and nearly blinded myself) to work right. Amazing!

And cutting edge light-based setup is just the start! You can individual name each Egg Minder in the Wink app to keep track of all of your Egg Minders. That’s clever, because I definitely would have bought an Egg Minder Minder, but now I don’t have to. My Egg Minder, Dr. Eggspert, is a respected member of the Egg Minder community and beloved member of my family.

Speaking of community, the Wink app allows your Egg Minder to share your hot egg info with other Egg Minders in your area so you can keep your neighbors apprised of any exciting (Editor’s Note: you thought I was going to say ‘eggciting’, didn’t you? Honestly, I’m surprising myself here. But trust me, I’m saving my egg pun for later.) local egg trends. Just yesterday I found out from my neighbor’s Egg Minder, Eggy Pop, that the eggs down at the local Kroger are on average twice as fresh as the shitty eggs they’re hawking at the Sam’s Club. This thing is paying for itself!

Currently, the Egg Minder only supports your standard chicken egg, but I hear the litany of eggheads (Editor’s Note: Hah! See? GET IT?) who built this thing are working on a software update to support all kinds of eggs. Duck. Goose. Emu. You name it. Personally, I’m holding out for Cadbury Creme, but I’ll just have to cross my fingers and see what the new year brings.