Dips, The Unsung Heroes Of The Food World

Dips kick ass. They are one of few foods that necessitate other foods in order to consume them properly. Right up there with crackers and those fancy sliced meats that I always just call salami but are probably very rarely actually salami. That is two foods for the price of one food. That is tremendous eating ROI. Hell, you are the Warren Buffet of mastication every time you eat a dip.

What’s more, people can’t even give you shit about eating an entire “Family-Sized” (Editor’s Note: Don’t even get me started here. Labels like “Family-Sized” and “Party-Sized” are really just some marketing asshole trying to challenge your eating prowess. I’ll decide what is large enough to feed a party and what is large enough to just barely satisfy me, thank you very much.) bag of chips with your dip of choice, because the alternative would be just shoveling it into your mouth with a spoon like some kind of depraved dip-eating lunatic.

Nobody has the balls to try and make you do that.

In fact, eating 4000 calories in chips is the socially acceptable way to eat a dip! Thanks to that Seinfeld episode, everyone would freak the fuck out if you tried to double dip a chip. So remember, when you’re elbow-deep in a bag of Tostitos trying to gut out the remains of that buffalo chicken dip, you are a shining germ-conscious pillar of your community. Give yourself a pat on the back, assuming you can reach that far anymore. Actually, probably best to not risk it. A pulled tricep is nothing to fuck with.

On the other hand, the beautiful thing about dips is that in a pinch you definitely could shovel them into your mouth with a spoon. Or guzzle them with a wide-flow funnel (a wonderful, adult way to repurpose that old beer bong from college). Or slurp them with one of these trendy reusable straws. That is a level of versatility that few foods can match.

Speaking of versatility, dips are veritable chameleons of the food world.

Need to trick people into thinking you actually enjoy artichokes and spinach? Douse those disgusting bastards in mayo and three varities of cheese. Boom, you’ve got a dip that will make your guests think you occasionally give a shit about your health.

Going to a high-class potluck but you don’t want everyone to know you have the palate of a third-grader? Pepperonis. Marinara sauce. Cheese. In a pie dish. Bake until bubbling. Garnish with anything remotely leafy and green. Bam, fancy pizza dip to blow the cashmere socks right off of those fancy assholes. Real nice cucumber sandwiches, Karen. Get the fuck out of here.

Really, you can take just about any food you like and cover that shit in cheese. Suddenly, you’ve got a dip. What could be easier? Better yet, what could be more American?