5 Uses For Peanut Butter From Our Friends At Smucker's

Peanut butter. You either love it, or you’re deathly allergic to it. In these trying times where a trip to the grocery store has gone from a mundane chore to a weekly dance with death full of masked sickies who refuse to obey a 6-foot gap, hoarding a food like peanut butter with it’s nearly limitless shelf life has become a tantalizing proposition.

Yet, how many plain ol’ PB&J sandwiches can you really expect yourself to eat? There’s got to be some better options out there, right?

Fortunately, unlike the majority of the world’s governments, the fine folks at Smucker’s have been prepared for this eventuality for years. We here at R.K took a deep dive into the Smucker’s recipe vaults to retrieve a plethora of peanut butter-based dishes for you to enjoy, pantsless and crying, from the safety of your bed while you stare out the window and wonder if life will ever be normal again. (Hint: It won’t be. We’re screwed. Some basement-dwelling gamer made a wish on one of those cursed monkey paws to attempt to get the rest of the world to love spending all day playing videogames as much as he does and now we’re here. Get used to it.)

PB&J Bacon Waffle Sandwich

A strong start from the Smucker’s people who are in no way sponsoring this article. (But they could be, easily. For cheap, too. “Journalistic integrity” is not a phrase that is in the R.K lexicon. We will say whatever you want for embarrassingly small sums of money.) Bacon combined with waffles, the superior cousin of the pancake, seems like an easy home run.

Sure, I wouldn’t immediately think to pair bacon with peanut butter, but maybe that’s just because I’m dead inside and lack creativity. I’ll bet if Gordon Ramsay or Alton Brown did some shit like this you all would eat it up. Literally.

It is a little odd that they specify round waffles when a nice square Belgian would probably work just as well if not better, but I’ll chalk that up to Smucker’s traditionalist mindset and not some xenophobic waffle-based racist plot.

Bacon, Lettuce & Peanut Butter Sandwich

The biggest travesty here is that they didn’t name it the BLPBA&J, but I assume that is because the BLT name is actually owned by the Montagu family estate, and those cunning bastards at Smucker’s didn’t want to pay any royalties on this delicious creation.

The dynamic duo of bacon and peanut butter make another appearance in this recipe, which I assume means Smucker’s knows something I don’t when it comes to pairing pork with peanuts. A few apple slices are thrown into the mix, but they don’t specify which particular type of apple to use. Which, after the whole round vs square thing in the last recipe, feels like an oversight. I’d assume a nice Fuji would work, or a Granny Smith if you want to be a man about it.

Smucker’s recommends a diagonal cut for this sandwich, which is admittedly the fanciest of the sandwich cuts - but if that isn’t your speed I’m sure a simple slice down the middle would work just as well. You know, if you’re into eating your BLPBA&Js (ok I see why they didn’t go with that name now) like a basic ass bitch.

I’d like to note that these two are about as normal as the recipes get. From here on in, things are going to get a bit weird but you’ve got to trust that the Smucker’s R&D department has done the proper legwork when it comes to vetting all of these. Buckle up.

PB&J Burrito

Again, I take issue with this not being called a Nanerito, but I guess Smucker’s can’t be doing all of the work here. I don’t really have a problem with the recommended flour tortilla, becuase corn tortillas are gross health foods, and we’re way past the point of that shit mattering anymore.

The whole world is shutting down, why not enjoy a tastier, more fattening tortilla?

I would note that they’re making a rookie mistake when it comes to the burrito wrapping in the picture for this recipe. I’m seeing a lot of peanut butter on the outer fold, which is just asking for overflow when you take that first delicious bite. There is no sense in wasting precious peanut butter in the midst of a pandemic. For all we know, this shit could be currency in 6 months time. Tasty, deadly currency.

PB&J Marshmallow Quesadilla

Very similar to the burrito recipe above, but this one really does away with any attempt at trying to be even remotely healthy. Why not fry up a tortilla and slather some peanut butter on there before topping it with a liberal sprinkling of marshmallows. Who is going to judge you? Nobody online has to know that ‘Mexican Night’ in your quarantined household means this sugary abomination.

Hell, according to the nutritional facts on the page, this dish doesn’t even contain any sugars. Or calories. Or cholesterol. Something magical happens when those mini marshmallow bastards hit that warm, peanut buttery tortilla that negates all of that shit. Sure, it doesn’t at all seem nutritionally accurate and is in fact probably some kind of mistake, but who the hell am I to argue with Smucker’s? Go nuts on these things, they are apparently a superfood.

Apple Cheddar Pizza

Yeah, fuck it. We’re melting cheese on apples now and calling it pizza. Nothing matters anymore, so why not pair melted cheese with a random fruit and call it something it only bears a passing resemblance to? This one doesn’t even involve peanut butter, but that is only because Smucker’s lost their ambition when it mattered most. Slather some of that brown gold on top of all of this and maybe just maybe you’ll feel something other than dread for a few minutes.

That something will most likely be stomach pains, but who the hell cares at this point?