Classy Food Reviews - Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bacon

In June of 2012, The Taxpayers released “God, Forgive These Bastards” Songs From The Forgotten Life of Henry Turner an absolutely amazing concept album that chronicles the near-rise and absolute fall of the fictional Henry Turner.

The record is well worth the listen and if you don’t like it I don’t wanna hear about it because that just means you ain’t got no dang music taste, my guy/girl. And that is not my problem. That is a you thing. You deal with that. Leave me out of it.

At any rate, I tell you that to tell you this: when The Taxpayers named that album, they had unwittingly penned the most accurate review possible for this latest slight against God from Hormel and those unscrupulous bastards at General Mills.

To put it bluntly, this is bacon made worse. This is bacon that any self-respecting person would reject. Which is hard to picture, because everybody. fucking. loves. bacon. But I’ll be damned if the unholy Hormel/General Mills union didn’t figure out a way. If nothing else, they could weaponize it and drop it on Uncle Sam’s adversaries.

So…Greenland, I guess.

Maybe it is the sickly sweet aroma of cinnamon that assails the nostrils the second you open the packaging. Maybe its the self-loathing that hits when you take a bite and realize you’ve spent a premium on what is essentially just branded candied bacon. Maybe it’s the fact that hours later, my house still smells like Chef Wendell fucked a pig.

It’s hard to say.

But somethin’ about this bacon just ain’t makin’ my day.

Rating: 3.5/10