R.K Movie Review Round Up - Volume 2

The R.K staff has continued to see the moviefilms. Every Monday. Like a tradition. Until we aren’t sad anymore we’ve single-handedly saved movie theatres as an institution.

Also, as previously stated, popcorn is yummy. Even if we did lose a pair of cargo shorts to a butter stain during this go around. That was our fault, not the poppy-c’s.

The bag goes next you in the seat, NOT ON YOUR LAP. That is a rookie move.

Ok, review time.

Warfare

We should start this review by stating unequivocally that nobody here at Risky.Kitchen has experienced war firsthand. For many reasons, but mainly this one: We are cowards. Big ones. Remember the guy in Saving Private Ryan? On the steps? Yeah we’re that guy.

Also, the French Foreign Legion won’t take a bunch of guys whose only experience with combat is an embarrassing amount of quarters spent on Silent Scope.

We asked.

Our own personal shame aside, this movie goes Hard with a capital H. The vast majority of it takes place in real-time. Like an episode of 24, but with substantially less Kiefer Sutherland.

Which is probably the only way this movie could have been better, if they had mixed in some Kief, ya know?

Even without Chief Kief, this movie delivers. It is a fiction in name only, as the whole thing is based on the recall from the guys who were combatants in the battle that it chronicles. So it is basically a documentary and you can use that to act superior to people who only watch stupid dumb ol’ fiction.

The sound design is incredible as well. It does that thing where it gets real quiet and then real LOUD and it does that a lot and it does it VERY WELL. Trust us. We know we are not doing it justice with that description but we blew all of our writing talent on remembering the phrase ‘sound design’. And that isn’t even really a super impressive phrase, so that should tell you the caliber you’re working with here.

CALIBER. GUN PUN. COMEDY.

It occurs to us now that we’ve spent most of this review on tangents and haven’t really described the film very well at all. Hmm. Oops.

We never claimed to be good at this.

R.K Rating: 5 Shockingly Realistic Depictions of Combat out of 5 Shockingly Realistic Depictions of Combat

Sinners

Sinners stars Michael B. Jordan and Michael B. Jordan (a popular trend it seems) as the twin brothers Smoke and Stack. Known as the Smokestack twins. Which is the coolest fuckin’ name we’ve ever heard.

Anyway, Mike and…Mike…roll back into their hometown of Fucking Nowhere, Mississippi with a fat stack of cash from working for Al Capone up in the Windy City™. And they’ve got one plan: Build the best damn jazz joint this side of the river and turn their aforementioned fat stack of cash into an even fatter stack of cash.

The American dream in a nutshell.

And like any American dream, it is ruined by that classic foil we all know so well: Irish vampires.

Well, one Irish vampire and then a whole host of non-Irish vampires. But like, they were all turned by the Irish guy and in the movie when you become a vampire you kinda inherit the memories and knowledge of everyone else in the coven so…fuck it, they’re all Irish.

They do, at one point, dance a jig. All of them. Which seems pretty damning to us.

DAMNING. VAMPIRE PUN. COMEDY.

Also, at another point, the vampires make a VERY compelling argument for becoming vampires based around racial equality and it will really make ya think. About becoming a vampire.

The movie revolves around music, so it goes without saying that the soundtrack is fantastic.

So we won’t say it.

R.K Rating: 5 White Guilts out of 5 White Guilts

The Amateur

Rami Malek plays Rami Malek in a Revenge of the Nerds kinda movie if Revenge of the Nerds was about a CIA analyst getting super pissed off after his wife is murdered and going on a killing rampage instead of uh…date rape.

And rampage he does! With a series of increasing complicated murders that includes: Torturing a woman with pollen before chasing her into traffic where she is pancaked by a van, destroying a fancy rooftop pool causing a guy to fall 70-something stories to his death, and…a timebomb.

Well, ok, that one isn’t super complex, but it is a pretty BIG timebomb. So that’s something. That probably took some doin’ to set up. We’re counting it.

COUNTING IT. TIMEBOMB PUN. COMEDY.

The best part of the movie is the relationship Rami’s character has with his trainer-turned-assassin-turned-proud-papa-father-figure played by Laurence Fishburne. A man with a notoriously complicated name to spell, but we nailed it without Googling it and you can’t prove otherwise.

The second best part of the movie is when it exhibits self-awareness and points out that Rami has been running around PTSD’d to the gills committing crimes with collateral damage that are more or less equivalent to the one he is so mad about that got his wife killed.

What tangled webs we weave when first we rampage. Oh well.

R.K Rating: 4 Rube Goldberg-esque Murders out of 5 Rube Goldberg-esque Murders