Fuck You, We're Putting Ads On The Fridges

Dear Loveable Rube, Tech-Obsessed Moron, Valued Customer, Money Piñata,

You may have heard some crazy talk about us plastering ads all over the insanely overpriced refrigerator you recently purchased. We just wanted to set the record straight here and now: Of course we fucking are.

Why wouldn’t we?

You bought a wifi-enabled, automatically-updating, AI-riddled-for-some-godforsaken-reason magic box. How could you possibly expect us to resist? Honestly, we’re surprised we had the patience to wait this long.

We are the scorpion. You are the frog. And baby we’re halfway across that river and it is STINGING TIME. Sure, maybe our hubris will drown us both. Or maybe we’ll just ride your bloated frog corpse to the far shore of sweet sweet record profits.

And by ‘bought’ we of course mean ‘paid a licensing fee for’ because we’ve got that frozen bastard locked down tight. If your household ad engagement drops below 3%, we’ll lock the doors. We will lock the doors, turn the heat up, and forcibly pasteurize your government-approved raw milk.

Test us.

This ‘pilot’ program is only the beginning. We’ve got big plans. We’re going to turn your freezer into paid DLC. We’re going to make the burners on your oven subscription-based and you’ll have to subscribe to each one individually. We’re going to sell your laundry data to Sam-fucking-Altman to feed into his ever-hungering ocean-drinking death machine. Why does he want your laundry data? We don’t know. We don’t care. The check cleared. He’s getting it.

Hell, we’re going to charge you $3.95 for custom chimes that play on your microwave when your sad Bagel Bites finish cooking.

See if we don’t.

And you’ll pay for it. You’ll pay for it all with a smile on your stupid frog face and a song in your stupid frog heart. Because we can’t be stopped. The war was already waged and you lost it the second you decided your refrigerator needed to be able to play Youtube videos.

Fuck You Forever,
Samsung