R.K Movie Review Round Up - Volume 1

Movie theaters: they’ve seen better days.

However, we here at Risky.Kitchen will never turn down an opportunity to sit in a big, dark, largely empty room and ruminate. We call it a room and rume.

“Who wants to come out for some R&R?” one of us will yell at the office and then we all pile into a big company van with a big R.K on the side and head on down to watch a talkie.

Oh, and popcorn. Risky.Kitchen loves a popped corn. Not as much as the dark room thing, but it is close.

Anyway, after one too many R&Rs hit the company card, we realized: if we reviewed these motion pictures, we could write off the ticket prices as business expenses. Probably the popcorn too. So here we go, buckle up for some sweet sweet tax credits movie reviews.

Mickey 17

The only thing better than Robert Pattinson is two Robert Pattinsons and this movie-based-on-a-book knows that. So much so that there’s nearly a ménage à Pattinson at one point. So you know, that’s something.

Actual movie wise, despite its lackluster box office numbers, it isn’t a bad way to spend 2 hours. (Editors Note: The author tried to end the review here, but our lawyer says we need at least 4 paragraphs to justify a work expense.)

The basic gist is this: ol’ Robby P signs on to a space expedition (led by none other than the Hulk himself, Mark Ruffalo, doing a bang-up job playing a egocentric-cult-leadery type) as an “expendable”. Which is a fancy way of saying “murder slave”. The eggheads onboard more or less copy him to a literal brick and are then able to print him out and murder him as many times as science requires. Which, is about 17 times.

Everything is proceeding as planned until Mickey17 messes up his one real job (dying) and he accidentally winds up in a double-Mickey situation. Which is bad. They have laws against such things. They smash your brick if they find out there are two Mickeys and then there’s no more Mickeys after that…so that’s a real problem for both Mickeys. Well, mostly. One of the Mickeys is coolguy-but-fucking-insane Mickey and he doesn’t really give a hoot. Nor a toot. But that’s coolguy Mickey for ya.

Overall, a decently funny dark sci-fi flick. Toni Collette’s character has a weird obsession with sauces the whole time, so that’s fun.

R.K Rating: 4 Pattinsons and half a Ruffalo out of 5 Pattinsons and a Ruffawhole

Black Bag

Fassbender. Blanchett. English accents. Spy intrigue. This movie has just about everything. Except a literal black bag. I don’t actually remember there being a black bag in the movie. They say “black bag” a lot. I remember that. But I don’t think you ever really see one. You see a soccerball keychain at one point and it’s really important to the plot, but no black bags. Hmm.

Obvious plot holes aside, Michael Fassbender and Cate Blanchett play a spy power couple working for the Secret Intelligence Service and they love to throw dinner parties for their fellow spy friends and play weird mindgames and allow their dinner guests to stab each other. I don’t go to many dinner parties though, so maybe all of that is fairly normal dinner party stuff.

I’m more of a lunch gathering man myself.

Things go south when Blanchett and Fassbender are framed for stealing some fancy bit of tech that is basically a war crime on a flash drive and then the literal knives are sheathed and the figurative, spy-y knives come out.

And a few Hellfire missiles (the CIA has a cameo!).

Queue the twists and turns as the duo attempt to figure out whodunnit and whydunnit and whendunnit.

If you don’t pick up on all the subtle hints, don’t worry about it. The film walks you through everything at the end anyway. Apparently Soderbergh doesn’t trust the audience to be smart enough to figure it all out.

R.K Rating: 3 War Crimes out of 5

A Working Man

This movie has no business being two hours long. But, I think once you tell Jason Statham he’s allowed to beat people up, you probably just have to wait until he’s tuckered out before you can call cut. That has to be it.

It’s one man army time as Statham murders his way through an entire faction of Russian mobsters trying to save Michael Peña’s daughter. The plot itself is very much by the numbers, so there really isn’t much to say there. Statham good. Bad guys bad. Guns cool. You get it.

Oh, there is one thing: at one point Statham intimidates a guy by pouring an excessive amount of syrup onto his pancakes. Like, way too much. An inedible amount of syrup. Dick move? Yes. Scary? Also yes.

Beyond weaponizing diabetes though, whoever was in charge of the headgear really went all out. There are three hats in this film that are completely insane both in style and context and none of them are addressed in the scene in which they are present.

Nobody, at any point, says “Hey, what the fuck is on your head? Why are you wearing that here? Who sold you that? That is not a mass produced piece of clothing. You specifically asked someone to make you that. Why? Why did you do that?“.

It is worth the price of admission just to see those hats. That is a Risky.Kitchen promise.

R.K Rating: 4 Somehow Mint Condition Ford 150s When He’s Supposed To Be Homeless Living Outside of His Jobsite out of 5 Somehow Mint Condition Ford 150s When He’s Supposed To Be Homeless Living Outside of His Jobsite (yes, that is my only problem with this movie. HOW IS YOUR TRUCK SO CLEAN, STATHAM?)