Nintendo Gives Up, Goes Sequential As Last Fond Memory From Your Childhood Dies
Published on Apr 6, 2025
Nintendo, the playing-card-turned-tiny-adorable-monsters-that-are-maybe-animals-but-maybe-not-but-either-way-the-whole-thing-makes-me-uncomfortable company, recently announced their new console before immediately having to backpedal on the preorder date due to unforseeable circumstances.
On top of that, the games are going to cost roughly a million dollars a piece. Which people are not stoked on. We asked around. We sent out a mailer. All of the responses came back, ‘Not Stoked’. That wasn’t an even an option on the mailer. Everybody wrote that in. Stoked is making a comeback. Tell your friends.
Anyway, the game prices and the expensive accessories and the paid upgrades for O.G. Switch titles don’t bother us here at Risky.Kitchen. Those are all standard Nintendo business practices.
They invented the nickel and they charged you three of them to upgrade to the dime.
They know what they’re doing over there when it comes to making money and everybody is going to line up to buy the Switch 2 no matter what teeth they grind now, so who gives a heck? Who gives a heck, I say.
We say.
We/I say.
No, what is really Super-ing my NES in all of this is the name itself: Switch 2. Switch 2? Not the Bangarang5000? Not the Nintendo Gripper? Not the GameRectangle? Hell, I would have even taken the GameMan.
Get it? GameMan? Cause like…its like if the GameBoy grew up? Like it went off and had a bunch of GameExperiences and found GameLove but then eventually felt the sting of GameLoss and briefly spiraled into GameDepression but came out on the other side stronger and a more well-rounded GamePerson because of the whole thing? And now it doesn’t even think about that GameGirl that much anymore. Like not at all. Ok, sometimes but like…in a healthy way, you know? And I’m not even throwing any shade at GameGirl in all of this. I mean, GameBoy WAS still a GameBoy for the whole relationship and GameActed like one, you know? Sometimes thats just GameLife.
Ok even I’ll admit that last paragraph got away from me. But you get it.
When it comes to names, Sony never even tried. Which I guess I can’t hold against them because at least they’re consistent. Meanwhile Microsoft’s naming convention makes me think they’re pulling the numbers out of one of those Scrabble tile sacks. Nintendo was the last company carrying the non-sequential torch.
Well, I mean, minus Wii-U I guess, but nobody bought that. It is the DreamCast of Nintendo products. Ok, and the whole S/NES thing. But ignore those arguments that counter mine. You wanna make em? Get your own website.
Wheeeelp, I guess that about does it. I don’t like the name. Bad name. Boring name. Try again.
Editor’s Note: I just saw that Nintendo is going to charge $10 for the tutorial, which is the most Nintendo thing I’ve ever heard.