Classy Food Reviews - McCrispy Strips

These are not the first chicken tenders I’ve reviewed here at Risky.Kitchen, but you know a lot has changed since that divine experience on a cold December afternoon.

For one, I have an R.K company car now. Not to brag, but that shit is paid off, too.

Yes, they make us pay for our company cars here. The benefits package is NOT great. I don’t even think my name is on the title.

For two, I’m pretty sure Taco Bell has chicken nuggets now instead of tenders, which just increases their one-biteability. I consider that a massive improvement. The faster you can eat food, the more food you can eat. Simple logic from a simple, chicken-eatin’ journalist. Take it or leave it.

For finally, there was the whole global pandemic that kinda shook things up for a bit. Well, for most people anyway. I was already sitting on my ass alone and scared 95% of the time. That’s just what I do for fun.

But you can’t tell people that when they’re all freaked out and cooped up (chicken pun, comedy genius).

No, you gotta be all, “Oh man, this is terrible. This is real bad. This is such a massive departure from my personal and our collective norm.” And so on. You know, for their sake more than yours.

I’m not digressing, you’re digressing.

Anyway, McDonald’s brought back their chicken tenders. Except they aren’t the Good Tenders™. These new tenders are the Bad Tenders™.

I mean, just look at the breading to chicken ratio. It’s all wrong. Ain’t nobody ordering a chicken tender from McDonald’s to maximize the amount of actual chicken they’re eating. Give me a substantial and crispy breading. Give me a breading that makes me question if a chicken was even involved at all.

Also, the size of these TINOs (tender in name only) is complete garbage. Shrinkflation is real and it has come for your tendies. And I know this argument runs directly counter to the bite-sized thing I said a few paragraphs before. But you gotta realize, context matters.

And the context, or the subtext, or the pretext…or the some kinda text…here is that these new Bad Tenders™ are going to be the tenders they use when they bring back the one true king: The Snack Wrap.

This cannot come to pass. They cannot taint our wrapped savior with these paltry poultry pretenders. The Snack Wrap cannot suck. There is already so much bad in the world. America needs the Snack Wrap. Now, more than ever.

Maybe this is all chicken-based alarmism. Maybe the Good Tenders™ will return, slotting into the newly reforged Snack Wrap like the Stones of Power to the Snack Wrap’s Infinity Gauntlet.

Maybe. Hopefully.

But if they don’t. If these Bad Tenders™ usurp the throne, then we will all be to blame. For we did nothing to prevent it. And that will be the greatest tragedy of all.

Also the new sauce was not really anything to write home about so that wasn’t great neither.

Rating: 2/10