Stop Giving Me Shit For Eating Bite-Sized Foods The Way Nature Intended

Published on Dec 16, 2019

#editorials#old rk

The way I see it, if you can fit it into the palm of your hand - it is a single bite of food and should be treated as such. That’s science. Hell, it’s practically a Vitruvian proportion. Ok, so maybe the magical one-to-one ratio between hand and mouth isn’t explicitly covered by that hack da Vinci and his dumb doodles, but just go ahead measure for yourself. I’ll wait.

Done? Good. Amazed? That is what I fucking thought.

Maybe now then, you can understand my frustration when I am routinely chastized for eating bite-sized foods in an appropriate fashon. Look, I’m a hardworking, blue collar guy. I don’t have the time or inclination to take multiple, unwarranted bites. To be honest, I find the whole notion rather privileged and elitist.

Oh jeeze, I’m so sorry I can’t laze about all day, nibbling on a croissant and rambling about cake. Believe me, I wish I could! Croissants are flaky goodness to be savored. Cake should more or less be its own food group. But I’ve got things to do, damnit.

While I’m pretty sure I’ve made a bullet-proof arguement, I have no doubt that some of you naysayers are still skeptical. So, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a list of foods to get you started on livin’ that time-saving one-bite lifestyle. Yes, some of these foods are traditionally served hot. No, I don’t give a shit. Suck it up. Mouth burns heal. Time is the only truly finite commodity you possess, don’t waste it on allowing food to cool properly.

Anyway, here you go.

  • Ravioli
  • Crab cakes
  • Pickle spears
  • Cupcakes
  • Corn dogs (and I ain’t talkin’ the miniature variety)
  • Nestlé Drumsticks
  • Oatmeal creme pies
  • Twix candy bars
  • Any food that is served on a toothpick
  • Egg rolls
  • Onion rings
  • Potato skins
  • Mozzarella sticks
  • Boneless chicken wings
  • Most fried foods, really
  • Mochi

Hopefully that is enough to get you started. Feel free to experiment for yourself. Remember, the only things holding you back are your own antiquated notions of what is and isn’t a single bite of food.

Back