Classy Food Reviews - Crispy Tortilla Chicken Tenders

At long last, it would seem that the culinary wizards of the Fourth Meal Order have forged a twisted pact with their brethren in the Colonel’s Army of Fried Chicken. As part of this maligned arrangement, dark secrets have been shared. The ancient scrolls containing the secrets of both herb and spice have been unfurled, their primordial knowledge feasted upon by a new crop of willing supplicants.

The product of this union most fowl (I apologize for nothing, that is a top-shelf pun), the Crispy Tortilla Chicken Tender, has been released to the masses in a measured way, appearing in only a handful of U.S. cities. This, presumably, is simply a means to test the new creation. Or perhaps, an attempt to not alert the public to the powerful and oft-misused magicks that now reside in the reckless hands of paltry poultry-preparing probationers.

Through no small amount of back-channeling, double-speak and chicanery (read: I drove to two Taco Bell locations before finding one that sells them), I was able to source a sample of these tortilla-encrusted delicacies.

Patiently, I endured the requisite five minutes for my prize to be prepared, an offering of time to the gods of deep frying and grease. Covetously, I absconded with my tenders three to the safe confines of my waiting vehicle. Ravenously, I devoured them with a haste usually reserved for prom night love-making.

Upon the first bite, the ceaseless chime of the key-in-ignition system gradually began to fade, giving way to a heavenly hum that filled my ear drums. Glorious light spilled into my vision, bathing the hazy November afternoon with a radiance I had never experienced before.

I had done it, I had reached nirvana and these delicious, corn-flaked fingers of chicken were my spiritual sherpas.

For the first time in my shallow existence, I truly realized what it meant to be alive. Satisfying crunch gave way to moist, tender chicken. And the dipping sauce! Oh, the dipping sauce! The robust chipotle ranch singed my taste buds, the heat grounding me. It reminded me that while my soul was soaring in an existence of pure chicken bliss, my body remained rooted firmly in the reality of my (mother’s) high-mileage 2009 Ford Escape.

As quickly as it came on, the feeling of perfect zen-like balance receeded. Fourty-five seconds had elapsed and my meal was no more. Yet, it continued to live on as fond memories that bubbled to the surface of my conciousness continually throughout the day in the form of satisfying burps. Everything beautiful in life is transient, and these chicken tenders were no exception.

Overall, ate some chicken and saw God, so not bad.

Rating: 8.5/10