R.K Movie Review Round Up - Volume 4

In case you were curious, we’ve still been seein’ movies.

We just stopped tellin’ you about them. Hell, we’re seeing a movie later tonight. Or we already saw it, depending upon when this gets published. If you’re lucky, you’ll probably hear about it in a few weeks.

In fact, thanks to that moron (who’s clearly never heard a NOFX song before) who shot that other guy (who I’m pretty sure we’re now legally required to refer to as the second coming of Jesus Christ or else we’ll get thrown into Mickey Mouschwitz), things are getting even weirder ‘round these parts. Which means hanging out in a dark room for a few hours just keeps getting more and more attractive.

Anyway, we’ve got a huge backlog and instead of milking them for articles like a respectable publication, we’re going to condense thousands of hours of effort by probably hundreds of people into two or three sentences. Sound fair?

Friendship

If you are a fan of Tim Robinson and his particular brand of comedy, this is a must-see. If you just said “Who is Tim Robinson?” and then didn’t immediately follow it up with “Oh, the pay-it-forward drivethru order scam guy”…then uh, maybe give this one a pass.

Bring Her Back

Look, all we’re saying is, there is a lot of effort made on this lady’s part to bring Her back, and then when she gets to the final step she just decides…not to bring Her back. Waste of time? Maybe. Solid horror movie, though.

The Phoenician Scheme

The real scheme here is that rascal Wes Anderson schemin’ us outta $14. We went into this movie wanting to love it. We spent most of the runtime desperately trying to love it. But like us, it is in fact unloveable.

Ballerina

We are not fully immersed in the John Wick lore. Even still, a solid action movie. Except for the part where we’re supposed to believe a room full of people rested on kneelers for like at least two hours while Ballerina got herself a neato back tattoo. We know how long tattoos take. We know how uncomfortable kneelers are. Ain’t no way. Took us right out of it.

Mission Impossible: The Final Reckoning

We’ve seen the original movie and we played the shit outta the N64 game. So, also kinda out the loop on this one (a theme of ours, as you’ll soon notice). This movie was nearly 3 hours long, which is a lot of Tom Cruise. We feel like they had a funny term for the Internet that they used a lot, but we can’t remember it now and also we could be making that up entirely. We saw this movie in June and we’re old, give us a break.

28 Years Later

Hey guess who hasn’t seen any of the other 28 [time] movies? Us. We still liked it, though. Even if you haven’t seen it, you are proooobably aware that one of the zombies has an absolute hog on him. A real dangler. If you didn’t know that, then uh kudos to you we guess for not being terminally online. We think a sequel is coming out next year, so we will definitely see that. (For the dangler.)

F1: The Movie

F1: The Very Expensive F1 Ad. The movie is a classic “old veteran teaches young guy with talent how to do the dang thing” type thing. Neat F1 personality cameos that may or may not age well, if you’re into that. Car go vroom, too. Again, if you’re into that.

M3GAN 2.0

You already know we didn’t see M3GAN, but they sum it up pretty good in this one so we didn’t really feel like we were missing much. This movie, shockingly, was a bit of a delight. We will take more wise-cracking-murderer-robot-with-a-heart-of-gold movies. Please.

Superman

You know, if they really let James Gunn run the DCU how he wants to, this shit is about to pop off. We’re not a comic book nerd. We have no particular love for Mr. Man, Super. But this was a good movie. Nice refreshing break from the MCU.

Eddington

Ok, you gotta trust us on this one. If you liked Midsommar, just go for it. Just dive in. If you didn’t see Midsommar you gotta trust us that this movie is worth it. You will not like it for large parts, but trust. Trust. Us. Or don’t, we uh…we haven’t really earned it.

The Fantastic Four: First Steps

MCU movie but in a different dimension or some shit so we don’t feel bad for having a lot of gaps in our MCU knowledge. Probably the best Fantastic Four movie we’ve ever seen, which is a loooooow bar. So, there’s that.

Together

This movie made us feel lonely. We won’t ruin the twist, but this movie does imply that two dogs don’t love each other and we found that kinda sad. Other than that though, how can you say no to Alison Brie AND a Franco? God, we wish someone loved us like they loved each other in this movie.

Shin Godzilla 4K Re-release

We saw this re-release because it was a sloooow mooooovie week back in uh…oh we guess just mid-August. Huh. Feels like longer than that. Either way, this movie has a very cool take on Godzilla but it spends an awful amount of time in government meeting rooms talking about Godzilla. Which, we think, is the point. Or a point. But still man, show us more of this mutating ‘zilla. We get the point about government bureaucracy. Daddy wants more big lizard.

Honey Don’t!

Here is the thing, twists are tricky because if you tip it too much everyone shits on you for having an obvious twist. If you don’t tip it enough, everyone shits on you for not “earning it”, which was the criticism we saw other, smarter, actual movie critics saying online about this film. But uh, we are simple morons. We like dark comedy noirs. This is that. So, we liked it.

Caught Stealing

A slightly Snatch-esque cadre of criminals all trying to give Austin Butler a Terrible No Good Very Bad Week. Also, Matt Smith has a big-ass mohawk and a battle jacket. So that’s cool. And a cat! This is a movie for the cat-lovers. Yeah, we’ll go with that.

The Conjuring: Last Rites

The ending of this movie really banks on you having seen any/all of the other Conjuring movies and you all know we haven’t. done. that. Didn’t matter. Good movie. Spooky. At one point they use ratchet straps when the situation definitely called for like, an entire roll of duct tape, but you know, pobody’s nerfect.

Spinal Tap II

Finally, a sequel we’ve seen the original of! Absolute gem of a film. This is how you properly do a sequel to a mockumentary about a rock band. So, take notes. You know, in case it comes up again.

The Long Walk

A preview of Trump’s America during his third term. during year three of his second term. in about six to eight months. later this afternoon. The movie ending differs from the book ending so get ready to feel pretentious if you’re a reader (nerd). That said, one of the morals of the story (that you can kill your enemies with kindness, but 5.56mm is a little bit faster) is uh, topical. Of course, the main character obviously hasn’t ever heard a NOFX song before. (That’s called a bookend!)